It took me six years to miss you. I honestly never thought that I would. Our relationship was considered complicated at best. You were a slave to your addictions. Blown about by the need to numb your pain. Your brokenness knew no age. I expected you to be the adult, to be my parent, but you couldn’t.
When I set boundaries because I couldn’t take the hurt anymore, you disappeared from my life. You didn’t pursue a relationship. I know it hurt you to be rejected by me, but I just didn’t know how to do life with you anymore. I kept thinking you would change. That you would come back into my life. That we could somehow have a relationship one day where you were the dad I had always hoped for and I didn’t feel that I had to be your parent. I would finally be able to rest.
But then you died.
I was speechless. That wasn’t the way it was supposed to happen. And yet it did. No restoration. No peaceful relationship. No father daughter bond. You were gone. You didn’t even try to fix it.
Six years past and I came to terms that you were really gone and that relationship would never be what I had hoped. I finally felt your loss. I finally overcame the anger of your absence. I finally felt the grief of every disappointment.
And then…
I finally was able to see the things you did do well. I finally was able to be thankful for the highlights of your life. Healing finally came.
Dad, I forgive you. I forgive you for all of your mistakes. I forgive you for not putting your family first. We were enough, but you couldn’t see it. I forgive you for your blindness. I forgive you for not giving me the father daughter relationship I always hoped for. I hope with all of my heart that you have found peace, and are finally feeling the freedom in your soul that you have always longed for. For now, there is a big pause button on our relationship. In the meantime, I will do all I can to make you proud.
I love you.
Love, Rachel
